My Wil Wheaton/John Scalzi Fanfiction Contest Entry

So here it is, my Wil Wheaton/John Scalzi Fanfiction Contest Entry ("Contest? What Contest?" "Here you go."). Since so many people have started to share their work on John Scalzis Blog, I decided to join in and thus created this very special Brainbar post. Hell, it even has it's own button in the sidebar, how cool is that?! If you're a german Brainbar regular and feel deep concern about the aesthetic impact this button has on my blog: don't worry, it'll be out of here once the winner of the contest is announced. And yes, the story is written in english, as is this post, -but I'm shure you've noticed that by now.
I'd love to know what you think of my story, but since I'm not a native speaker I would be grateful if you overlooked the stupid mistakes that I'm shure I made but am not able to find. I didn't really write this story to win but to breach my writer's block and to have some fun. I'm happy to say that I achived both and I hope that you'll have as much fun reading this as I had writing it. I guess that people who enter a Wil Wheaton/John Scalzi Fanfiction contest will have no difficulty in catching all the movie quotes and allusions to internet phenomena that I "hid" in the text. To everyone else: I'm terribly sorry, but maybe you're just not as cool as we are. And here... we... GO!

Fighting Barefoot

If only we had listened to the pigeons!, Wil thought and tightened his
fist around the spear. Hidden by the smoke of the numerous volcanoes
he had been able to sneak up on Scalzorc, as he climbed the narrow
ravine that led to the top of the mountain. The orc had now reached
the small plateau at the edge of the abyss. Wil felt
Unicorn-Pegasus-Kittys pulse quicken against his bare legs and took a
deep breath. Now or never!

“This is a very strange dream,” Wil Wheaton, former member of the Star
Trek – The Next Generation cast and now just geek with a beard and a
blog, muttered as he looked out the window. Behind the Space Invader
alien made out of Post-it notes that he had pasted onto the glass only
a few days ago the creature did not see him – which was probably the
only reason he was still alive. Fifty feet from his house stood
something that looked an awful lot like a T-Rex. Except for the fact
that there was a chromed interface with two flashing red lasers where
its eyes should have been. And that it was holding an enormous Katana.
“What the…?” Anne, Wil’s wife, had entered the room. He spun around -
the second he saw that she was not wearing a Catwoman costume, his
stomach dropped. This was definitely not a dream. And on the opposite
wall two little red dots were slowly creeping towards her.
“Down!” he shouted and pulled Anne to his side.
“What is that?” she whispered, her eyes locked onto the two points
that were now moving in a fast and seemingly irritated manner over a
velvet painting of Wesley Crusher that hung beside the door.
Before Anne could answer, an explosion shook the ground and shattered
the window, tearing the Post-it notes into tiny shreds that slowly
fluttered to the ground.
“You can come up now, its dead.”
Looking through the big hole in the wall that had been a lovingly
decorated window only a few seconds ago, Wil and Anne saw a plump
figure emerge from the thick smoke rising from the burnt grass.
“Don't be afraid, for it is I – Star-Wars-Kid!”
Striped shirt, khaki trousers, and drowsy eyes that squinted behind
thick glasses – Wil was positive, this really was the Star-Wars-Kid.
“WTF is this shit?!” Anne asked and jumped over what had been the
window sill. Star-Wars-Kid took a few steps back and adjusted his
“I thought that would be big news.”
“You thought what would be big news?”
“Oh you really haven't heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.”
“Heard what?”
A smile passed his thick lips. “Well, Anne, it seems that the bird is
the word. For as you may or may not know, on the 5th of November 2009
a pigeon dropped a small piece of toast into the Large Hadron
Collider, causing it to overheat and thereby nearly ending CERNs
search for the infamous Higgs Particle. It seems that only the pigeons
knew the true power of the Higgs Particle: since it is proven to
exist, but it has never been found, it's part of our imagination as
well as it's part of our reality. What happened is that…”
“CERN found the Higgs Particle and it disintegrated the border between
imagination and reality!” Wil tried to speed things up. He had the
strange feeling that there weren't all too many words left.
Star-Wars-Kid sunk into a deep facepalm.
“Thanks. I wasn't building up to this at all. But Wil is right. One
second you're imagining something and the next BOOM! It exists. It's
hard to accept at first but there's a dead…Robot-Ninja-T-Rex?…in your
driveway that says you'll just have to.”
“Where do you think it came from?” Wil asked and looked at the
Robot-Ninja-T-Rex brain chunks that lay scattered on the lawn.
“I guess some neighbor’s kid made it. Kids are pretty good at this.”
“Must have been that Calvin from across the street.” Anne frowned. Why
hadn't she thought of the boy earlier?
“And you killed it with nothing but your imagination?”
Star-Wars-Kid seemed pleased by the frantic geek-glow that emanated
from Wil’s eyes.
“I imagined its head exploding like the guy’s head on Scanners. It's
not as easy as it sounds. You need a lot of imagination to do stuff
like that.”
“Eh…Star-Wars-Kid…why am I suddenly wearing the INFAMOUS
Clown-Sweater?” Checking how hard his nipples had gotten over the
epicness of the whole situation, Wil had just discovered that he was
no longer wearing his “I'm-blogging-this” Shirt.
“You wearing it is a meme which makes you stronger. Memes are things
or persons that are real but have spread into the minds of so many
people that the current blending of fact and fiction renders them very
powerful items or entities. That's why I'm all mighty and wise. The
INFAMOUS Clown-Sweater will help you with your task. For you have to
defeat the terrible Scalzorc. ”
“Wait a minute... Scalzorc? You don't mean John?” Wil stopped smiling.
“Yes Wil, I'm afraid I do mean John Scalzi, former movie critic at the
Fresno Bee and now a Hugo Award-winning science fiction author with a
beard and a blog. He has turned himself into a level 80 orc warrior
and is on his way to the LHC. He seeks the Higgs Particle – for he who
rules the Higgs Particle rules the world, controlling all imaginative
energy and submitting everyone on this planet to his every whim!”
“That's so typical,” Anne mumbled, imagining very hard that there was
no dead Robot-Ninja-T-Rex in her driveway.
“That's not true! That's impossible!”
“Search your feelings Wil. You know it's true!” Wil didn't know
weather this particular quote had been necessary. What he did know was
that Anne was right: Star-Wars-Kid's story sounded very much like his
friend John.
“Even if you're right: what can I do about it? The Clown-Sweater is
not that famous and I'm not strong enough to defeat a level 80 orc
warrior. Why don't you fight him yourself?”
“Wil, don't you remember? I have no fighting skills whatsoever.”
There's just no arguing with that, is there?, Wil thought.
“No. You have to do it. You have to defeat Scalzorc and destroy the
LHC. When the Higgs Particle is freed from its grip, it will go back
in time and prevent it's discovery so that nothing of this will ever
have happened. And concerning your strength…”
Before Star-Wars-Kid had ended his sentence, Wil felt his muscles
grow. The INFAMOUS Clown-Sweater began to stretch around his chest and
arms, his fancy pants became small, smaller and finally fell off him,
leaving him in his blue shorts.
“And I'm not even angry.” he muttered.
“You'll have to be fast. Take this map, I've marked the LHC. And
here's a spear. It's a good weapon to attack from above. You'll be
riding Unicorn-Pegasus-Kitty.” Only now did Wil spot the strange
mixture of Kitten, Unicorn and Pegasus that had been sunbathing on his
roof. With an elegant jump the huge animal landed beside him.
“Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my
golf ball retriever and said: By the power of ...”
“I get it. Hey, wait a minute, this is the World of Warcraft map… and
Switzerland is Searing Gorge?!”
“Imagination and reality mixing, things that many people believe in
becoming real… do the math!” Wil let his fingers run through
Unicorn-Pegasus-Kittys soft fur and found a strip of bacon that was
taped to its belly. It confused him. “Is that all?”
“Just one more thing. It's dangerous to go alone. Take this.”
Star-Wars-Kid handed Wil a cat in a blue shirt.
“Hide it in your shorts. And don't look at me like that! You'll know
how to use it when the time comes.” Tired of asking questions, Wil did
what he was told and mounted Unicorn-Pegasus-Kitty. I have a bad
feeling about this, Anne thought and watched Wil disappear into the

Back where we started
Wil’s swift attack surprised the Orc. The spear grazed his leg and
green blood scattered the red rock. Wil jumped off
Unicorn-Pegasus-Kittys back, landed on the plateau and grabbed his
weapon. Hot winds blew around them as the two opponents circled each
“I didn't expect Star-Wars-Kid to send anyone else after what I did to
Tron-Guy and Sad-Keanu.” The Orc laughed and bared his teeth. “So,
what did he tell you?”
“He told me enough. He told me that you want to control the Higgs
Particle and with it the world.”
“And you came here to fight me barefoot? Without pants? In that sweater?”
“Uhm... yes?”
Scalzorc chuckled threateningly. “Poor Wil, you're so ridiculous. And
you don't understand! This is not a bad thing! I can make this world a
paradise! Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy, the universe!”
Wil looked deep into Scalzorc’s eyes. It was hard to recognize them as
the eyes of a friend who had looked at him with kindness, wit, and
laughter. The power of the Higgs Particle had changed John Scalzi – as
it would change anyone who'd try to control it.
“I'm sorry. But I can't let you do this, John.”, Wil said and lunged
at the orc.
Scalzorc countered his attack with playful ease, grabbing the spear,
throwing Wil to the ground, and hitting him over the head with his
massive wooden shield.
Wil felt dizzy, and when he turned around he saw the Orc looming over
him, his axe ready for a final blow.
“John, don't do this! We were brothers!” Wil cried, trying to shield
himself with his spear.
“We're not brothers. I'm a Hugo Award-winning science fiction author!”
Scalzorc sneered flinging his axe and splitting Wil’s weapon in half.
“You… you are just a geek!” With that, the Orc grabbed the now
defenseless Wil by the throat and lifted him high into the air.
“Fail! Epic fail!” Wil thought as he tried to free himself from the
Orc’s grip. His vision became blurred, his fingers gripping Scalzorc’s
arms went limp. He thought of all the people he had failed, he thought
of Star-Wars-Kid and the disappointed look in his drowsy eyes. He
could almost see him standing right behind Scalzorc, all blue and
shimmering and… talking?
“Wil.” Wil tried to answer but could only move his lips.
“The cat, Wil. Use the cat!” The cat? What cat? Then it hit him.
With one last effort he dug deep into his shorts.
“Seems like we got ourselves a Carradine…”
Scalzorc fell silent and stared in horror at what Wil had pulled out
of his pants. He staggered backwards, dropping Wil as if all his
strength had been drained from him in a single second. The orc was now
only a few inches away from the abyss that held the LHC.
Wil straightened up, lifted the cat, and looked deep into Scalzorc’s
eyes. “Piano Cat! Play him off!”
The infernal tunes of Piano Cats song rang through the mountains. In
absolute panic, Scalzorc took a step back – and fell.

“This is a very strange dream.” Wil Wheaton, former member of the Star
Trek – The Next Generation cast and now just geek with a beard and a
blog, muttered as he looked out the window. Fifty feet from his house
stood something that looked an awful lot like a T-Rex.
“Hello there!” Anne, Wil’s wive, had entered the room. He spun around
– and saw that she was wearing a Catwoman costume. Wil smiled. This
was definitely a dream.


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